Quoth the Psyche, Nevermore

" 'Wretch,' I cried, 'thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore.' "

-Edgar Allen Poe, "The Raven"

Now, I know "The Raven" wasn't in our required reading, but I just couldn't help myself. Partially becuase I think that the lines above summarize Poe's innerworkings and possible artistic statement completely, and partially becuase the last time I saw a crow, it cawed at me and I said, "Oh, Nevermore yourself." Some people stared. I hold that they are simply culturally deprived. Me? Weird? Noooo....

At any rate, the above lines of "The Raven" articulate something to me that we also discussed in class, something that I do believe is central to reading Poe. Suzanne said that Poe's point was that the mind is weak to itself and undermines itself. Take that, Emerson. There is a darkness in all of us that is not only inescapable, but seductive. And all we have to do in order to destroy ourselves is let it win.

This is as disturbing as it is true.

I myself am entralled with Poe's idea of perversity. In "The Black Cat", he writes, "And then came, as if to my final and irrevocable overthrow, the spirit of PERVERSENESS. Of this spirit philosophy takes no account. Yet I am not more sure that my soul lives, than I am that perverseness is one of the primitive impulses of the human heart-one of the indivisible primary faculties, or sentiments, which give direction to the character of man." Notice he does not say the human body, or consciousness. No. He says heart.

I believe it. Hell, I've lived it. Haven't we all?

Now, in order to better illustrate how perversity affects my own personal existence, let us look at the story "Ligeia."

"That she loved me I should not have doubted; and I might have been easily aware that, in a bosom such as hers, love would have reigned no ordinary passion. But in death only, was I fully impressed with the strength of her affection. For long hours, detaining my hand, would she pour out before me the overflowing of a heart whose more than passionate devotion amounted to idolatry."

Now, in class someone mentioned that perhaps in this action the Lady Ligeia was immortalizing herself in our devoted narrator's obsession with her even in her death. I laughed and agreed with the statement wholeheartedly just before someone else in the class that I am close to turned around and said, "That is so something you would do."

And you know what I did? I laughed. Becuase it just may be true.

I myself am in love with the idea of love. When Suzanne asked if we would want to be loved in this way, I was like, "Yeah!" And then I noticed the obssession. Which is kind of a downer.

But I do believe in someone being your Earth and sky. I want to love consummately and completely, and I want to love my partner to the full extent of adoration.

And, naturally, since I am a Libra born under the sign of Venus, the goddess of love, I expect that adoration to be repaid. In full.

Now, let it be known once and for all that I wish for all those connected with me to be able to recover from my inevitable death and resume their lives. I do not wish them to mistake their new dead wives for me. No.

But, I can understand the desire. Immortality in obssession. Lust.

I love to be loved. I love to be able to muddle up someone's mind with my presence, use my voice to crack their concentration.

Call me crazy, but, who wouldn't?

And don't think I'm some sort of a siren. I'm still a good Christian virgin. A Christian virgin that likes to make other good Christian virgins hot under the collar. Perversity? Some would say so.

And yet, there is a perversity in it. I must admit that sometimes I will make someone want me just for the sake of making them want me. Has that done damage? Oh yeah. Do I regret it? Of course! But still...

Perversity.

However, this question of perversity brings me back to the woman question.

Is my behavior perverse because I am a woman, or is it just perverse in itself?

Men, to succeed in our society, need to have multiple women drool over them. If multiple men drool over a woman, however, she is depicted as a slut or a whore. There is no mental dominance exerted by this woman. She's just a skank that men want.

As least, that's the way it seems to me a lot of the time. Now me, I like to think that yeah, I can be desirable. But when I'm in a relationship, devotion is reciprocal. And when I make a man trip over his own feet because I'm angry at him.... yeah. It feels good.

Ah. And therein lies the perverseness.

So to me, I have a perverse love of power. I admit it. And even though the posting of this blog may mean that I never get another date or boyfriend again, I will admit it. Because I refuse, in true Emerson style, to be something that I am not. And I am not just some damsel that is going to be rescued.

If he wants the damsel, he'll have to fight the dragon first.

"These are the full, and the black, and the wild eyes-of my lost love-of the Lady-of the Lady Ligeia." (334).